


walking wounded

by Darth Occlus (NotSummer)



Series: deliverance [6]
Category: Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Blood, Brotherly Angst, Brothers, F/M, Guilt, Healing, Major Character Injury, Making Up
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-26
Updated: 2018-08-25
Packaged: 2019-07-02 14:23:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,052
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15798360
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NotSummer/pseuds/Darth%20Occlus
Summary: If he returns to the 501st, then he face to face the shadows that he's spent the last months running from. If he returns to the 501st, then Jesse has to face the brothers who don't miss in his nightmares each night.But his General is wounded, and there's nowhere else to go.





	walking wounded

He couldn’t feel the robe through his gloves, but he could imagine it was soft, comfortable, and lightweight. Normally, at least. Now it was soaked with purple-red blood, heavy with the amount of blood soaked into it, still dripping out and onto the floor.

There was a puddle between his feet, and he could see his reflection in it. His reflection showed a harried, hurting, man sitting on the floor against the wall, hoping to the Force he hadn’t lost yet another person.

Jesse looked away from the puddle, but that only meant that the sight that filled his mind was her broken body. She had been so much smaller unconscious, missing her lively self. Jesse closed his eyes.

He ran through the mission in his head, looking for things that went wrong, choices he could have made better, something, anything to make the guilt go away. They’d been asked to infiltrate and destroy CIS jamming and communication systems on planet with a secondary objective of destroying the weapons depots.

He gripped the robe tighter in his fingers as his hands shook. He’d chosen to delay an evac so he could set the final charges. Jesse had chosen between her safety and the mission. He still felt it was the right choice, but he knew she would have made a different one.

He wasn’t aware of the door to the medbay opening until Kix crouched down in front of him. “She’s going to be fine,” Kix said, and Jesse blew out a huge breath. Kix studied him, but he only added, “Jesse, give me the robe. We’ll throw it in with the medbay laundry.”

Jesse’s finger clenched harder around the fabric, but he relented, handing the robe to Kix. Kix tucked it under his arm, blood from it running down his armor plates. Jesse tried not to think about how the droplets disappeared as they ran into the massive patches of identical blood over the rest of Kix’s armor. 

Kix offered him a hand up, but Jesse ignored it, standing on his own and pretending he didn’t see the mix of pain and regret on Kix’s face. Kix covered his faltering by talking. “The Jedi can take a beating our brothers can’t. She lost a lot of blood, and there was enough shrapnel in her to fill a tank, but she’s in a healing trance and already mending. She’s a lot tougher than she looks.”

Jesse nodded brusquely, shouldering his way inside the medbay and heading to the bacta tanks. She floated in one, her lekku swirling as they twitched with whatever she was feeling, deep in the Force. The normally blue tinted green had instead taken on a golden glow, as the Force and the bacta worked in concert to heal her injuries.

Jesse blew out a long breath as Kix caught up to him, hiding his irritation. The irritation faded as he stood next to Jesse though. “You were really worried about her. I assume your partnership is going well?”

There was an undercurrent to Kix’s words, something else he was asking. Jesse shuttered his expression, wishing Hardcase was there all of a sudden. He’d been the anchor of their trio, reminding Jesse not to give into his own ever present anger, and reminding Kix to set his burdens down every once in a while.

Jesse made a fist, pressing it up against the glass. “It’s different,” he finally said, “A lot more freedom.” He watched golden streams of energy dart through the bacta, healing her injuries. He tensed. He didn’t want to have this conversation. He didn’t want to have any conversations.

“Not around brothers, though. That has to be different.” Kix continued to press at him, looking for an answer Jesse didn’t want to give him, even as Kix busied himself taking notes on her vitals.

“I guess I don’t have to worry about getting shot then, do I?” Jesse snapped. His eyes closed for a long beat and his jaw clenched. He wanted to take the words back as soon as he said them.

Kix reeled backwards, hurt and regret all over his face. He opened his mouth to say something, Jesse watching his brother’s reflection in the glass of the bacta tank instead of looking at him, and then shook his head. Kix started to walk away, but Jesse called him back.

“Kix, I’m sorry.” His voice cracked halfway through his apology and he watched Kix’s reflection slow and turn halfway back.

“You’ve gotten meaner,” Kix replied, biting back in his own way. Jesse flinched. He’d earned that.

“I have,” Jesse agreed. “Everything’s been fucked up and off balance towards Umbara. I don’t even like being around my own brothers anymore. Not when the firing squad is in the back of my mind. So yes. I’ve gotten meaner. I’ve been on edge. Krell might be done, but… the damage lasts,” he finished, staring listless into nowhere at all.

“I wish Hardcase was here. Hack and Klik, too,” Kix offered. It was an olive branch of sorts, and he moved back to stand at Jesse’s shoulder.

“Me too,” Jesse finally said. He looked towards Kix instead of his reflection, and offered a smile that really felt like more than a grimace. “Hardcase would know how to solve… this.” He flattened out his fist against the glass. “I’ve been lost,” he admitted. “Being an ARC and then Mi- General Naida have been the only constants.”

Kix’s eyes went wide at the slip, but he didn’t say anything beyond, “You don’t treat her like other Jedi. I mean… The last Jedi we had who wasn’t acting like other Jedi was…” Kix trailed off, looking uncomfortable.

“She’s nothing like Krell,” Jesse hissed, before fighting for calm. “I’m sorry. She’s just… she’s the opposite. She’s… well, not good, exactly. But she’s thoughtful and kind and she treats me like her equal and she never gives orders, and I’m pretty sure she has no idea what my number is. And she’s one of the few Jedi who disapproves of the Republic having a clone army,” Jesse added, lowering her voice. 

Kix gave him a wide eyed look, and then glanced back at the woman floating in the bacta tank. “She disapproves? But all the Jedi seem to just think it’s fine.”

Jesse nodded. “I asked her, once. She said she might murder people, but it was because they made their choices and their choices made them an enemy of the Republic. And then she said that she’s a murderer, but she wouldn’t ever take people’s ability to make their own choice about their own lives away.”

Jesse tapped his fingers on the glass. “She’s not good. But she cares.”

“That’s a big subject to talk about,” Kix finally said. “You two are close then? You tripped over her name earlier.”

“It’d be hard not to be,” Jesse finally said. “We have to work closely on missions where we can expect no back up and we’re really the only people we see unless we stop at GAR bases or the Resolute. We spend a lot of time together.”

“You trust her,” Kix said.

“Without question,” Jesse replied, looking back at her, tracing the cuts on her body through the glass. They were already healing.

“But you don't trust me,” Kix said slowly, ripping open the wound between them.

“Well, she’s never pointed a rifle at me, has she?” Jesse bit back before dropping his head. “Damnit. I’m sorry.”

“I am, too,” Kix said softly. “I should have… I don’t know. Fought harder. I didn’t want to be in that squad:  _ I’m a medic _ . I’m supposed to save lives, not take them.” Dread hollowed out his eyes, and made him look gaunt in the hard medbay lights. He dragged his hands through his short hair. “I have nightmares where I don’t miss,” he gritted out.

“Me too,” Jesse replied, still staring at Miyala, keeping his eyes on the golden wisps filtering around her. “I thought I was going to die, and I’ve faced that before,” he said, unconsciously rubbing at his stomach where one of the B2s had gotten him when he was still shiny, just after joining the 501st. “I mean, we all have, ever since we were little. But this was at the hands of my brothers, brothers I should have trusted to watch my back. And I distinctly remember the feeling of not knowing if men,  _ brothers _ , I trusted would kill me or not.”

“I couldn’t shoot you,” Kix replied, sitting down with his back against the tank. “I joined knowing I’d miss. I’d already lost Hardcase. I didn't want to be the last one left. I didn’t want to be the medic who couldn’t save a single member of his squad. What good am I if I’m the last one standing?” he asked bitterly.

Jesse sat down next to him, his shoulder armor clattering against Kix’s. “I didn’t want to come back here. If Miyala hadn’t been so injured, I would have called for the Occlus. Just being around brothers… I start to feel like I’m back in front of the firing squad. Still can’t even look at Rex without being furious. Can’t talk to Appo or Tup or Slice or Hatch. Still flinch at the sound of the rifles.”

He stared at his hands. “I was trying to avoid it all, and I made this worse. Between us.” He let out a shuddering breath. He didn’t want to lose Kix. Not to Umbara, not when they’d survived.

“I understand,” Kix said finally. There was self loathing and anger dripping from his tone.

Jesse shook his head. “I was angry for a long time. But I’m not angry at you. Just what happened.”

Kix’s head jerked up. Wild hope filled his eyes, and he was completely still, waiting for Jesse’s next words.

“You’re still my brother,” Jesse said. “After everything.” He wrapped his arm around Kix’s shoulders, a small voice in the back of his mind hoping the blood on Kix’s armor was dry. Kix returned the hug eagerly, both of them hugging their brother as tightly as possible as both of them sniffled.

Eventually they leaned back against the tank, arms still slung around shoulders, holding on as if letting go would ruin the moment they finally felt like brothers again.Kix’s eyes were brighter, but Jesse could recognize the curious look in them. “Go on,” he said dryly, “Ask your questions.”

“Right. How’s working with your General? Are you enjoying it? What about all your ARC missions? What’s up with you?” Damn, but Jesse had  _ missed _ Kix’s nosiness.

“She’s great, really. She’s not charming, exactly, but she’s funny, stubborn… She’s a lot like Hardcase, to be truthful. Vicious streak a galaxy wide though. Third mission, I may have gotten into trouble. She killed everyone involved. And not all of them quickly, either.”

There was something in his voice that made Kix pause. Kix’s confusion morphed into a glare of understanding and the medic whispered angrily, “Off limits! She’s a Jedi. A  _ Jedi _ , Jesse.”

“I know!” Jesse whispered back.

Kix stared at him and then crossed his arms. “If this goes poorly, I told you this was a bad idea.”

Jesse waved him off. “It’ll be fine. You worry too much. Besides, she’s… She’s Miyala,” he finished clumsily. He gestured vaguely, lost for words. “And I’m not…  I’m not starting anything,” Jesse finished finally. “She has her own vows, and her own regs. I just know what I feel.”

Kix nodded, and then put his hand on Jesse’s shoulder. Jesse smiled at his brother and then stood, pulling Kix with him. “I’ll be staying on the Resolute while she’s here. If… If you need anything…?”

“I need someone to help me reorganize the medbay,” Kix said, suppressing a smirk.

“I’ll just be going then,” Jesse said, already walking away.

Kix caught the back of his pauldron and cheerfully jerked him backwards. The heavy gunners liked to brag they were generally the strongest, but the medics, and those on the poor side of the medics, knew better. “Oh no. I need someone to help, and as this is medical matters…”

“You outrank everyone,” Jesse said, mimicking Kix’s tones. He then groaned and shook his head. “Fine. What do you need?”


End file.
